Sounds

I was laying in bed listening to the wee hours of the morning. Dang jet lag. I find that for me the middle of the night or really early in the morning is when I do my best thinking or maybe best listening. I am most silent in those times. My friend and I call that time “wee to the knees.” It is in the wee when I most understand what David was saying when said, “I will wait for you like the watchmen wait for the morning.” It is here that I wait and he speaks.

I have heard many sounds while listening in my bed. I have heard the sounds of the city stirring as the morning commutes starts. I have heard sounds of motorcycles, dog walkers, lawn mowers, murmuring of people’s chatter, and the lovely not so soothing sounds of jack hammers and construction. You know the kind that feels like it could be in your room. This past morning, I heard new sounds of what could very well have been the opening scene of the lion king. You know, where Symba was being presented to the animal kingdom. My friend assures me that it was only pigeons. I guess I have only known street pigeons, because they didn’t sound anything like that.

As I listened this morning, I thought about the other sounds I hear but spend less time on. I listened to the sound of the rain for hours this morning. It was so gentle and hopeful. The rain is healing and comes to bring newness. Then there are those sounds of the heart that not many get to hear. The sound of heaviness speaks louder than any city car. The sound of sorrow and tears penetrate deeper than any noise. In those wee hours comes the sound of echoing thoughts replaying the voices of the day. With those voices come the sounds of messages and words and weight spoken. These voices can provoke the heart in deep emotion.

In those times I lose the whisper of God. I need his voice. His sound is what I crave. I crave the silence of knowing his spirit and his penetration of my deepest place. He is the sound I want to listen for. Bring your truth Father, your servant is waiting and listening.

What sounds are you hearing?

Trials

I heard one of the best quotes on TV yesturday. I have been thinking about it ever since. One of those things that stops you in your thinking tracks. I was watching a show about the NFL try outs for the Dallas Cowboys. The quote came during the opening motivational speech given by a former player. While barking out inspirational words of wisdom, Micheal Irving stated,  ”These drills are designed to expose your flaws.”

I have been thinking all day about how these words apply to me? As I thought more about what season I find myself in, I see trials. I got to thinking about how my trials can be applied in the same way as drills. My trials in life are designed to expose my flaws. I get so dang frustrated when wrestling with my trials that I often miss the point. Trials are annoying, inconvient, and exhausting. Trails usually require me to wrestle with something going on in myself; usually something I am not willing to give up.

I desire to live life after him. I desire to look and sound like my savior. I wish to become what I want to say in life. This requires transformation of giving up my old self and moving into living out how he is molding me. With this transformation comes trials. The book of Romans tells us that trials develop perserverence, strength, character and hope. It also says, “let us hope in the glory of God.”

I desire to have the hope of the glory of God as I enter my new season of trials. I know these trials are designed to expose my flaws. God wants to make life and character out of me. My desire is to enter these trials thinking and hoping for the glory of God to be revealed in the end. Exposure is uncomfortable and scary. No one likes feeling exposed. But if exposure means hoping for the glory of God to shine through me and character to be developed, then I want that. Bring on the Drills.

What is He exposing in you?

How are you wrestling through your trials?

Do you have hope?

What are your fears?

I have been stuck on this verse from Proverbs 29, “fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”

There are so many things that surface for me regarding the word fear. I wouldn’t consider myself a fearful person. I am not afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, bugs, public speaking, and I don’t think I was born with the embarrastment gene. When it came to the game Truth or Dare, I always chose dare. I love engaging in things in which adrenaline turns my voice into a silent expression of awe. Sky diving, didn’t free fall long enough. Bungee jumping, the taller the drop the better. Great White shark diving, first in the water. But what about those little fears that are harder to identify? What about those things you catch glimpses of that leave you conflicted?

As I read this proverb, I started to think through and ask myself the question of what are my fears? I discovered that my fears are wrapped up in the fear of man. I can safely say that the root of all my pride filled moments, anger, and conflict, resides a hidden fear in me.

I am broken and those broken parts in me are messy. The masks of fear in me look like not knowing or feeling like I am enough. I struggle with feeling like I am not good enough or the fear of not having anything good to offer. I greatly crave wanting to offer something worthwhile and great. I fear accpetance in certain groups of people. I fear feeling foolish or stupid.

On this road of mine, I have experienced pain and wounds. Anyone who has experienced pain would love to guard against ever feeling that level of pain again or any pain for that matter. I am learning to recognize how that fear manifests itself in me. I would love to trust more easily without the small voice of doubt. Yet that is the fear that grips tightest in me. It is a good thing that the rest of the verse talks about the solution to fear, trusting in Him. Sometimes I wish everything wasn’t in the catagorey of “life-long process.”

How are you fears doing?

Do you know what your fears are?

Is God enough?

Today I was living out the old SWV song, “Just One of Them Days.” All you hip hop fans sing it with me…”just one of them days that a girl goes through, when I’m angry inside, don’t wanna take out on you…”

Anger is my least favorite emotion. I seem to get stuck there. I can kick my ace at the gym, talk it out with friends, or drink a nice cold chai from starbucks and nothing seems to make a dent. Anger is the emotion that my heart has the hardest time navigating through. With anger, I seem to carry around tight fists and a hard heart. I hate that.

So what is my remedy….journaling. No other outlet suffices for time wrestling in out with my maker. Today I camped out at my usual Starbucks with pen in hand and a clean page readied to catch me as fell to my metaphorical knees. After a time of flipping around to different places I landed on the perfect speech for me.  Psalm 95 was the truth for my holy of holies today.

Psalm 95:7 states, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the desert where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did.”

The Isrealites tested and tried the Lord every day. God revealed himself to his people all the time. He saved them from slavery, led them out to safe pastures, provided food and water in the desert. He protected them with a pillar of fire and yet they tested and tried the Lord. How was God not enough? To whom could they compare him to?

I am guilty of the same testing and trying. There are so many times that I look around at other people and other things for life and satisfaction. God reveals himself to me. I know what he has done for me. I know that he is my maker, which means he is the only one who knows how to break my anger, release me from my fears, heal my brokenness, and satisfy me. He is the only one who is enough.

God was dismissed by his people. They saw his provisions, love, care, faithfulness, and goodness everyday. He still failed to be enough. The question I have to ask myself is how many times do I see and hear him and dismiss him? Too many times I find myself in the of battling with a hard heart. The truth I am reminded of today is that God is the only one who is enough.

What or who are you comparing to Him?

Is he enough for you?

How’s your heart?

Devoted

Jeremiah 30:21

“I will bring him near and he will come close to me,

for who is he who will devote himself

to be close to me?’

declares the LORD.”

For the past couple of weeks,  I have heard the Lord nudge at my heart with the whisper of, “Tracee, are you willing?” Some might ask what that really means, but for me it is my life’s mantra. Am I willing? Am I willing to follow after him? Am I willing to live and walk out a life that shows the proof of God without doubt? I want my life to answer yes to that, out loud. I desire for my life to reflect that of a man who gave his life for me.

Peter had it right when he said to Jesus, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

For where shall I go…HE is eternal life. I want to live my life devoted to being close to him. I don’t want to live in my blind state just to stay stuck in comfort with who and what is explainable. We are meant to know life beyond our imaginiation and comprehension. The gospel is about the ordinary transforming into what is more that extraordinary. I want life to the full like that.

Is this costly? Yes. Will life like this be hard? Yes. For my fears will rise to the surface; my brokeness made more known. But where shall you go? Where else is eternal life or life at all?

What keeps you from devoting yourself to being close to him?

“what is truth?”

The question of truth is always on my mind. I often ask myself, “what is the truth in this situation? what is the truth in the words said by another?” Truth is a thing so sought after and hungered for. I crave truth. One of my favorite phrases in scripture is, “I tell you the truth.” Gosh, how powerful are those words.

One thing I have been thinking about is how often I find myself, as well as others, believing so quickly in the negative words that are spoken to them. How often do we consider the source of those words? How often do we give weight to words from a person who does not know us, our process of life, or who we are. Yet, we give their words weight. Why are we so quick to believe in words that speak against who we are?

These thoughts and questions remind me of a conversation that Jesus and Pilate had before Jesus was crucified. Pilate is questioning Jesus and asks him if he is a king. Jesus responds by saying, ” you are right in saying I am a king. In fact it was for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me.” Pilate responds…”what is truth?”

We ask the same question of what is truth? Jesus is the truth. What he thinks about you and me is the voice that matters; is the voice that should hold the most weight.  The people we know and trust to be on that same side of truth, their words should hold weight in our lives.

One way I thought about his words and thoughts for me came from 1 John 1:1. “¹That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life.” I spent time journaling out those individal pieces of knowing him as truth.

So this is my challenge to you.  I would love to hear about it.

How have you seen him as truth?

How have you heard him as truth?

How has he revealed himself as truth to you through touch?

Freedom

 

“I face the whole world, living FEARLESS. Take me as I am. Know me, this is who I am.”

Words of freedom for me. I have been asking myself the question lately, “what would it be like and feel like to live in the light of his freedom?”

We are fallen people . I am a fallen and broken person. That matters to God. My fears and wounds matter to Him. As I read in 1 John chapter 1, John declares a message that resonates in my soul, “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” See , we all have a Holy of Holies in our soul. This is the place that is most sacred to us. My Holy of Holies contains fears, unbelief, wounds, questions, hurts, and insecurities. I hold on to that place tight. Just like the scripture, only a few can pass through the curtain into the sacred place of my heart. God desires that place in me. I have been reminded by him that the more I hold on to that place in me the less freedom I know and feel in him. “In him there is not darkenss at all.” He desires to shine himself into my dark places of tender wounds and pent up fears.

Scripture also says, “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” He desires me to be free from the dark place I clench tight in my fists. Here is one thing I have forgot; a real truth. “If I walk in the light, as he is in the light, I have fellowship with one another.” Freedom! My wounds and fears brought to the surface, and laid out bare in the His light, brings fellowship with him and with others. The enemy wants to keep our holy of holies tied up tight in us. The enemy desires for me to stay enslaved to my stuff. God is the God of light. In him there is freedom. There can be freedom in me when I let him be the light. I desire to be so engulfed in his light that my fears and wounds fall away. I desire for him to make life out of me. I can only do that if believe his light is good. For in him is the safest and most freeing place to be.

What holds you back from being free?

What is stored up in your Holy of Holies that you have kept from his light?

Eleanor’s Day Out!

The day has come!! Eleanor was purchased with my good friend Alece!! We were out on vacation in Columbus, OH. Yes Columbus can be a vacation spot….alright well not really, but I had the best time with my friend! She is good peoples and great for me.

One reason why I love my friend is that she does not let me settle for anything less than the best! With excitment in my eyes and a slight squeal in my voice we hit up Best Buy. I had Eleanor in my sights. There she was, with a halo around her, and maybe Amazing Grace was being hummed in the background. I said, ALECE! there she is! Alece took one look at her and in her great wisdom, said “hmmm…you can do better.” I was like WHAT!! Alece showed me the error of my ways. Right next to my camera was the upgraded version of Eleanor. Not only was she upgraded, but there was a sale on her to get another lense! whoo hoo!!

THANK YOU ALECE!

El'z in DC

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post Ohio I was ready to go. Locked, loaded, and ready! Eleanor and I headed for DC. There is really only one place worthy enough of a cristening…..the LINCOLN memorial of course. Freezing cold, hands numbing, wind blowing…who cares I was in heaven!

I still need a lesson in her goodness, but she is ready. Colorado this next weekend. I am ready! THANK YOU ALECE!

Words With Weight….

I am a person who values words with weight. Words with weight are those words that pierce deep into the soul. They are heart felt and of the utmost importance to your soul when spoken. Words that pierce my soul and hold weight look like these, I love you. I don’t take this phrase lightly. I don’t just toss out those words unless I mean it. I treasure words such as trust, faithfulness, value, gentleness, best interest…. Those are my top if I were to choose.

While reading in Acts I have been pierced again by words with weight. I mean what words in scripture don’t bare weight right! In Acts I have found echoing words. Words that move me to believe, think deeply about my life and what it looks like, to consider what He thinks about me, and to watch how I fear and breath….

“For in Him we live and move and have our being.”

In HIM I live. Jesus claims to be the life. So that must mean that without Him, I am lifeless. There are many ways I have sought out life outside of Him. I am sure that there are ways that are still wearing masks in me. Life and being…these are words of freedom to me. But I still ask myself the questions, does my life mirror life in Him? Do people see Him in me? For me, there is a difference between baring fruit and mirroring my king. Magnifying Him is the desire of my heart. I crave a life that looks like Him. I crave being the mistaken identity of Him.

To move and have my being. I rest in the peace of these words. Here I am free. This is my whole life. I desire for my whole life to be seen as me living and moving and having my being in Him.

Jami Smith writes, “I lay down every king I’ve crowned above you. I know you are Holy. I want to give you the glory you deserve.”

Lord make your life out of me so that all I’m left with is to live and move and have my being in you.

Where are you crowns?

Not My Ways…..

(Genesis 40:20-41:1) 20 Now the third day was Pharaoh’s birthday, and he gave a feast for all his officials. He lifted up the heads of the chief cupbearer and the chief baker in the presence of his officials: 21 He restored the chief cupbearer to his position, so that he once again put the cup into Pharaoh’s hand, 22 but he hanged [a] the chief baker, just as Joseph had said to them in his interpretation. 23 The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him. (Genesis 41) 1 When two full years had passed, Pharaoh had a dream: He was standing by the Nile.

When it came to life, Joseph always seemed to get the short end of the stick. He was forcefully sold into slavery by his own brothers; he was wrongly accused of sleeping with the wife of his master, and now finds himself an innocent man in prison. God gave Joseph a dream early on in his life. In this dream Joseph would one day be appointed over the people. Now how he went from having the dream to actually being appointed to be over the people was a long road he never anticipated.

While Joseph was in prison he met a man who was the cup bearer for the king. Joseph interpreted a dream in favor of this man. Joseph asked this man not to forget him when he returns to the king. Maybe Joseph finally had some hope of getting out of prison. Maybe Joseph started to dream again, thinking this was it, he was on his way. Scripture states that “two full years had passed” since his conversation with the cup bearer. This must have been so discouraging to Joseph. Joseph had a dream and a plan, but he realized he had to submit to God’s timing for his dream. By the time Joseph was appointed over the people, God had taught him and prepared him to be the person he wanted him to be.

How many times have you had hope and dreams for something different to happen in your life? How many times have you found yourself waiting longer than you anticipated? How many times have had to ask yourself, “how long Lord?” Will you submit your faith to his time and his process?