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Posts Tagged ‘life pain’

We all grew up memorizing the nursery rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names/words will never hurt me.

This is just a bunch of bull. Why do we teach people this!? The truth is that I would rather be hit with sticks and stones because it heals faster, and it doesn’t leave as painful of a mark on me.

Words mean everything to our hearts and life. The sound of those words can make or break someone forever. Words and names pierce the deepest parts of us, and in such a short period of time. I am sure we can all think of words we heard in the last 24 hours that either encouraged us or left a mark of hurt.

Tone of voice means everything as well. Growing up I knew when my mom was mad. We didn’t even have to be on the same floor of the house and the message was clear!

We listen to words and voices. Those words tend to determine how we view ourselves. They dictate the lenses through which we base our identity on.

My heart hurts when I see the lifelong lies people live out. I hate hearing about the hurts that people have experienced that have now developed into daily patterns of insecurity. It breaks me. I am sad over my own lenses that determine the way I hear.

I am not good at receiving. I gloss over compliments and sometimes encouragement. My immediate thought is that those words are not meant for me. I have lies that were solidified in my ears a long time ago. It’s hard to hear “you’re beautiful” because “you’re ugly” has been spoken over me for too long. I still wonder what beautiful feels like.

Our culture speaks the words that nothing is enough. We have an un-meetable bar for being lovable, worthy, and valuable. All of those seem to come with competition and pain. That makes me sad. I don’t know one person who is confident in their identity.

Our identity can be challenged but never changed.

The misconception about identity is that it changes. The truth about identity is that it is a fact; a fact that is unchanging regardless of any conditions.

God created us with the identity that we are valuable, lovable, worthy, and His beloved. That never changes. This is the truth that we need to measure all words up against. He says we are worth saving and worth loving – worth laying down His life for. That is fierce love and value. Nothing changes that truth.

Our lives face many battles and challenges to this truth, but truth can’t cease to be truth. You are spoken over and spoken for. That never changes.

I get that this is a lifelong challenge. Changing a long time pattern of thinking and believing takes time. My hope is that your lenses start to change and the voices you begin to hear at that of truth.

You are worth it!

What are lies you struggle with in your life? 

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Sometimes I feel like Swiss cheese of a person. cheese

I have holes in me that seem to still have question marks – still ache from time to time. Grief reminds me of my holes. Each one has a label of sorts.

Some days I spend time wondering about what would have been with my holes. You see because grief leave a mark and void in our being. We learn to compensate and function through these holes, but they are real and very present.

Some of my holes ache in simple ways. I miss everyday things and routines that could’ve been.

The other day I was thinking about my dad. He loves gardening and traveling. We used to have a big garden and evidence of mysterious places ventured around the house. Looking back it makes me wonder… I wonder what life would’ve been like for me on those everyday levels had he not started a new life. I wonder about what different memories I would’ve had in my life had those small things been around.

There is deep grief that is felt when change happens. I ache over small and everyday things that I miss. I am not a person who likes change, especially when it is a result of hurt.

Small things are just as valuable of memories as the big things. Smells, words, and familiar places can bring out memories and questions. I think it is okay to take the time to touch the scars and feel the ache.

Every chapter of life will bring on different stings to grief, but it will also bring on new healing. Grief is not a linear process. It has no warning or timeline. Grief only has a Healer. 

Joy and sorrow are harnessed together for life.

What kind of every day things do you miss right now?

How are you experiencing grief these days?

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“All People suffer loss. All loses are bad, only bad in different ways. No two loses are ever the same. Each loss stands on it’s own and inflicts a unique kind of pain.”

– Jerry Sittser

No one can escape experiencing loss in their life. It is inevitable. Life is tethered to joy and sorrow. Every season has its own felt grief.

The truth about loss is that it’s not comparable. 

I experienced loss within my family structure. My parents separated and divorced when I was a Junior in high school. That year changed my life. My father made the choice to end a marriage with my mother and move on to another woman.

His choices changed my life forever. I not only lost a cohesive family unit, but I lost an every day father and parent. I lost my self-worth and security. I lost stability and sureties that I once knew. Fears were real; they flooded my life and identity.

Death and divorce have shared feelings and responses. They have a kind of sisterhood of effects. I write in depth about these subtle differences in a chapter I wrote for “Inciting Incidents.”

Divorce is hard in that it is not a death. It carries the same created voids as death, but divorce has no closure like a death. Divorce carries the weight of rejection in loss. I felt a lot of rejection in that someone else was chosen over me. My value felt rejected. Divorce says, “Sorry, not you.” I felt given up on. There is also a unique sting in rejection in that it is not a mutual decision. Both experiences come with an extreme sense of loss. However, the difference being that death is involuntary and divorce is a decision. There is an end point with death, but divorce marks the death of a relationship.

The pain of rejection is hard to find words for. Without being able to articulate my thoughts and feelings at the time, I found myself in a deep season of grieving, mourning the loss of everything I had known to be normal. I was not sure how to carry on. I was not sure what life was supposed to look like after that night. I found myself battling depression. I slept as often I as I could. I skipped a lot of school, as studying seemed pointless. I had trouble relating to my friends. I mourned the days where I just worried about which boy I liked, passing notes in the hallway, playing sports, and negotiating curfew times.

This kind of emotional conflict was so new to me, that it consumed my heart and I did not know how to deal with it. I am not talking about trivial arguments or getting into fights. I am talking about deep conflict where things just don’t feel like they make sense. I had so many questions that had no answers. How do families dissolve? How does that much deception go unnoticed? How do I even begin to think about forgiveness in the midst of such real pain?”

Grief steam rolls through our life. Pain matters. It is real, every ounce of it. To read more of my story check it out HERE!

How have you experienced grief in you life?

How have you handled loss in your life?

 

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Faith is one of those things that require a response, an expression of our life behind it. If I were to say I wasn’t scared of the dark, but constantly slept with a night light on, my life would not back up that statement.

Faith requires expression.

The truth of my life, and the story it’s telling, really should back up what I believe. Jesus asks us all to answer the question of, “who do you say I am?” Our answer should be expressed in our lives. We should look and sound different because of faith.

I value very much that people’s words and actions resemble one another. I am not saying I am perfect at this, but I do value it a lot.

Our lives are meant to look and sound different after God has entered in.

I wish I could say that my life looks different. I constantly teeter back and forth between responding in faith and dismissing it all together. I have fears that paralyze me and keep God at a seemingly controlled distance.

Faith without expression makes no difference.

I have lots of areas that speak more of fear than faith. I still struggle with surrendering areas of control to him. I have had my own back for so long that it’s hard to trust him with those areas. I have fear that I respond, project, and see through the lenses out of in me. It is exhausting. It is meant to me.

I know I am not the only on with this battle. Abraham trusted God, but still slept with his servant Hagar. Moses trusted what God was going to do, but Aaron had to speak for him. David responded in faith with Goliath, but ran at the threat of Saul.

We all have our fear responses that creep in.

Fear nullifies faith. Fear dismisses faith.

I spend days weeping over this battle in me. I hate that I respond out of my fear. I hate how it affects my relationship with God and others. I hate the toll it takes on both. I am learning to surrender my fears. I am learning to trust more than respond out of them. It is a daily battle.

I hate the exposure in our lives that creates and enables fears. I hate that our hearts have been wounded and walls of fear have served as replacements. That is not how life is meant to be known.

God is redeeming my places of fear. It takes me responding out of faith and not fear. Choosing to respond out of faith is still more of a conscious choice than not. He is gentle and patient.

My faith and fears collide. Where are yours?

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