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Lately I have been brewing over the word intimacy. This is a very intimidating word for me. In all honesty, intimacy scares me a lot. At the same time, I crave to know intimacy in very real ways. We all do. We are made in the image of a God who is perfect intimacy. We were created in his image to know and experience that kind of being known.

It makes me sad how often intimacy is only associated with sex. There is so much more to being known, and experiencing true intimacy,  outside of sex. Sex is one way of knowing someone deeply, but not the only way. I hope intimacy happens in a marriage relationship way before sex. Intimacy can be experienced in any relationship.

I wrestle with this word a lot. I cringe over being known in an intimate way. There is such risk in being known. My fears related with intimacy have to do with rejection. The more I am known, the more risk there is for  someone to walk away with my heart in hand. It takes me a long time to trust someone else with my heart. I am slow to let someone really know me. I feel the anxiety level rise in me as the level of intimacy grows deeper.

Intimacy is so bittersweet. I want to be known and loved in a deep way. I crave that from the Lord. He desires that level of intimacy with me. God desperately wants to have an intimate relationship with us.

I also desire to love deeply. I love loving other people. I love knowing people. I love the depth of another’s heart and passions. I love knowing what brings someone joy as well as what breaks their heart.

I have been thinking a lot this week about the intimacy I experience in my close friendships. I value the mutual level of being known that we share. I value knowing the little things that make up my friends. I love knowing what faces they make before crying. I am grateful for the many conversations we have that never require words. I love knowing what brings out their passions. I love knowing what down time looks like for each of them. I value knowing the intricate ways of how each of them feels loved and celebrated. I laugh at how much we talk alike.

Just as much I love knowing my friends, I value how much they know me. I love when they know the times I need to vent vs. wanting feedback. I love being cared for in a way that is only by being known. I love that they can honestly say they believe in me because they know my heart and passion. I am deeply grateful for these friends.

On the bittersweet side of this grateful coin, I have deep-seated fears that make intimacy messy for me. There is no hiding my fears as the intimacy levels in my relationship grow deeper. Intimacy requires my trust. Trust is a conscious effort for me, even with those close friends. Intimacy unveils my unedited heart rather than my rehearsed heart. Makes for a messy me. What makes a close friend close is their response of love and engagement on those messy levels of me. Intimacy becomes intimacy when the response is deeper love and not rejection. Do we always respond out of love, no. But intimacy works it out and stays engaged. That is terrifying to me.

There is a verse I love in scripture that captures God’s desire for intimacy with me. Psalm 25 states, “the Lord confides in those who fear him.” Confiding is an intimacy vocab word for me. I don’t confide in someone unless I trust them. I do not make my heart known unless there is a shared depth of understanding present. God wants to confide in us. God desires such an intimate relationship with us that confiding is a known level of communicating. I know I can tell when someone has an intimate relationship with the Lord. Come to think of it, I also can tell when someone has an intimate relationship with someone else.

Intimacy is being known and knowing another deeply. We are created with the desire for intimacy. I value intimacy very much. My hope is that others will see that in me, not just with others but with God as well.

What are your thoughts about intimacy?

Do you have intimate relationships in your life?

How are you known?

How do you know others?

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I remember times as a kid when I would do things that would tic my parents off. I am a person who loves to test the waters. I have been pushing boundaries since I popped out of the womb. I realized it was not because I have this attitude of wanting to be rebellious, although I’m sure there were times a purposely wanted to push my parents buttons, but that something in me needed to see for myself what is okay and what is not. If my parents told me the stove was hot, I would have to figure that fact out for myself.

This mind set of self-sufficient behavior has not served me well all the time. I am miss independent, who takes control more often then not. Self-sufficiency makes it very hard to trust and and depend on someone else. I can even feel myself physically reacting as the feeling of being out of control approaches.

I am realizing that being in control is an illusion. I am realizing that I am not in control, but in those moments control has control over me. Dang it!!

Choosing faith has everything to do with living in a place that seems very out of control. Trust is the heart beat of faith. Faith requires the risk of dependence and fight to surrender control.

Whenever I would ask why I couldn’t do something, my mom would always say, “because I know what you don’t know yet.

God says that to me all the time. I ask why a lot. He is always saying to me, “Tracee, I know what you do not know or see yet.

I am growing into a place where my behavior looks like surrender, and my answer is trust. My blood pressure is slowly fading to calm as I place my faith in the one who knows and I don’t.

So how do we get to the place of knowing?

Trust simply comes from knowing him more.

How do you do that?

Read his word. Spend time in your thoughts with him. Look for him in little and big ways. Try, even for one day, to choose trust instead of control. Maybe one hour.

If I do not come to a place of surrendered trust with the Lord, my relationships will suffer in the areas of intimacy, trust, control, jealousy and fear.

I know a work in me has to happen before a work through me can. Same with trust. Trust in me has to happen before a trust through me can. I have some trusting to do with him and a surrendering of control.

How do you do with trust vs. control?

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